From: IU Admin. To: IU Admin. Good Job, Me.

To: IU Admin

From: IU Admin

Subject: Your Outstanding Paper

Dear Pamrickulza Whitshrivanpavlekekooter,

I’m reaching out to congratulate you on your outstanding paper once again. Never in my tenure have I seen a more clear, original argument than what you’ve laid out in: My Own, Super Original Idea of Ending Some Mandatory Fees and Slightly Increasing Poverty Wages For Graduate Workers At IU.

What struck me instantly about your paper was how fresh this perspective was. Until yesterday, I had heard NOTHING about graduate fees or graduate stipends—definitely nothing about a graduate worker union. From my limited understanding before I encountered your powerful words, I assumed that the graduate workers want what we all want in Bloomington: a shitty wage, ridiculously expensive and ugly monuments like the IU Clock Tower, and to have our dignity as workers denied and denied and denied. I had no idea how wrong I was!

Some may mistakingly assert that these solutions had already been proposed in the collectively authored IGWC-UE Union Platform, but to do so would completely miss the nuances of your work. No one from the IGWC would have taken the pains you took this summer; to meet with so many cherry-picked individuals representing different departments to understand the ever elusive demands of the graduate worker? To go undercover with a name like ‘Task Force’? And doing all that on only a 200,000-650,000 salary? Brave doesn’t even begin to characterize it.

We can’t always control the timeline of when our work is released—most of us academics keep our nose on the grindstone, hoping and praying our insights will be valued and applied to solve some real world problems. I’m thrilled to hear the solutions outlined in your paper were immediately implemented—it almost feels as though it was all in your power! As though this raise could be literal pennies to you!

The whole department is buzzing around with excitement about your work. They’re saying: what a great guy! What a sweet, conscientious, loving employer who treats us like family when it’s in his best interest! I will admit, I can’t quite place WHY, but the timing feels so RIGHT! Almost as though something significant is on the horizon, as though this was a carefully engineered fate. Serendipity, baby!

I guess what I’m trying to say in all of this, is that I’m proud of you. You did the impossible that was entirely possible, the whole time.

Good job, me.